How to reduce approval-dependency and trust your own judgement (Part 1)
- Aug 27
- 4 min read
When my new self-paced course, Make Your Mark for Teams, was certified by the CPD Certification Service, I was delighted. The independent assessor described it as:
"An excellent online training course with high CPD value. Content is clearly and logically presented, with high quality and comprehensive support functions."
This gives clients credible assurance about its quality - and me welcome recognition for the expertise, thought and hard work behind it.
But the CPD certification did not suddenly make the programme valuable. It confirmed a judgement already grounded in evidence, participant feedback and careful evaluation.
That distinction matters. Other people’s approval can reassure and inform us, but it should not determine what we believe we or our work are worth.
Why other people’s approval matters
Wanting recognition does not make us weak or needy. Other people help us understand ourselves and the mark we make on the world.
Appreciation tells us our contribution has been noticed, while feedback reveals strengths and blind spots we might otherwise miss.
A meta-analysis of 62 studies found a positive association between feedback-seeking and individual performance, although the strength of the relationship varied according to the type of feedback and how performance was measured.
The aim is not simply to ignore other people’s opinions, but to develop a healthier relationship with them.
Signs you may rely too much on external approval
The problem starts when we no longer merely value external approval but need it in order to value ourselves.
Self-validation does not mean believing we are always right or dismissing uncomfortable evidence.
It means recognising our feelings and experiences, judging our conduct against our values and the evidence, and acknowledging our effort, progress and capability without waiting for someone else’s permission.
It validates us as people, not necessarily every conclusion we reach or action we take.
We may have become too dependent on external approval if we find ourselves:
discounting success unless someone else praises it
allowing one criticism to outweigh substantial positive evidence
changing a considered view to avoid disapproval
hesitating to speak, decide or act without reassurance
treating another person’s disappointment as proof of personal failure.
Psychologists Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park describe this as contingent self-worth: staking our worth on success or approval in particular areas of life. “I did badly” may then become “I am a failure”.
Their research suggests that this can increase anxiety and defensiveness, discourage learning and make every decision or setback another test of our worth.
Achievement and approval are not harmful. They simply become shaky foundations when too much of our identity rests upon them.
A useful question to ask yourself is: Do I value this person’s approval - or need it in order to value myself?
How approval-dependency can limit you at work
Approval-dependency affects more than how we feel. It can also influence how we communicate, make decisions and respond to uncertainty.
It may lead us to:
wait for reassurance before making decisions
soften a considered view to avoid disapproval
hide mistakes rather than learn from them
manage upwards instead of exercising our judgement
say what will be welcomed rather than what needs to be said.
These behaviours do not necessarily indicate limited ability or commitment. They may develop in environments where approval has come to signal safety, belonging or progression.
Whatever their origins, they can stop us contributing as fully as we might. When confidence and permission must always come from elsewhere, we are less able to use our own judgement.
Three ways to build self-validation at work
1. Notice where you have outsourced your judgement
Whose reactions have a disproportionate effect on how you assess yourself?
What do you do when their approval is uncertain? Do you seek repeated reassurance, over-explain, soften a considered opinion or remain silent?
Their opinion may matter. The question is whether you have given it more authority than it deserves. Noticing this creates the opportunity to respond differently.
2. Create an internal scorecard
Before asking what everybody else thought, make your own evidence-based assessment:
What was I trying to achieve?
What evidence shows what worked?
Did I act in accordance with my values?
What would I improve next time?
This is not indiscriminate self-praise. An internal scorecard must be honest enough to acknowledge shortcomings as well as strengths.
The first module of Make Your Mark for Teams guides learners through a structured process for building self-worth, illustrated with examples from my personal and corporate life. It helps them recognise their value while continuing to assess themselves honestly and learn from others.
Research by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen also challenges the idea that harsh self-judgement is necessary for improvement. Across four experiments, responding to failure or personal shortcomings with self-compassion increased people’s motivation to improve. We can hold ourselves accountable without treating every mistake as evidence of personal inadequacy.
3. Treat feedback as data, not a verdict
Seek feedback, but seek it well. Ask for specific information rather than a general judgement. “Was any part of my argument hard to follow?” is more useful than “Was I any good?”
Consider the person’s knowledge, perspective and possible bias. Look for patterns across several sources rather than treating one reaction as definitive. Then decide what the evidence means and what, if anything, you will change.
Feedback belongs in your decision-making process. It should not replace it.
Listen to others without handing over your judgement
Self-validation does not mean closing our ears to other people.
It means listening carefully without handing them sole authority over our judgement or worth.
External approval can provide useful evidence, feedback and recognition. Our task is to remain open to all three without depending on them to feel capable, valuable or ready to act.
Leaders also have an important part to play. In a future blog, I will explore how workplace practices can reinforce approval-dependency - and what organisations can do differently.
If this resonates with you and your colleagues, suggest that your manager books a call with me to explore whether Make Your Mark for Teams could be a good fit for your organisation.
The Business Voice Coach
Sources
Comments